Polite Behavior in a Rude World

I am sure many of you have come across the fabulous EtiquetteGrrls website over the past years, but I could not resist sharing it with those of you that have not. Though the site has not been updated in close to three years the features section and question and answer section cannot be beat. For those of you still in college make sure to check out their College Ettiquette page..."just because you are all grown up does not mean you can be rude." (My favorite part of this section pertains to dressing for class. I myself never understood people who wore their pajamas or a t-shirt and sweat pants to class, do they have no self respect? Always dress for success friends, it makes all the difference!) The Q&A archive also has loads of useful information. From how to handle moving thank you notes to what to do about those guests who refuse to RSVP to public nuisances you are bound to find an answer to something that has been bothering you. Since we are still enjoying summer activities and a number of us are sure to attend an outdoor event in the coming weeks I thought I should include an archived EG post for you all to enjoy:

Dear Etiquette Grrls,

I attended several Informal Dinner Parties (two were actually cookouts) over the course of the summer and experienced the same Problem at all of them. In all cases, the Invitations were Verbal only, and when I asked the Hostesses in each case if I could bring anything, they said no, that Everything Was Taken Care of, and that my Presence was all that was Required. However, again in all cases, when I Arrived at said Parties, all the other guests had brought something, from wine to salads to desserts. If the hostess says I needn't bring anything, should I ignore this no matter what and bring a bundt cake anyway? What gives? I usually take what people say literally, but it seems that so often in etiquette the polite thing to say and the actual information being exchanged are not the same.
I feel quite foolish and embarrassed by this.
Eagerly awaiting your Sage Advice,Rough Around the Edges

Dear Rough Around the Edges,
The problem here is that people don't seem to understand that when attending a party, a Guest must bring a Gift for the Hostess—not something intended to be Part of the Meal. (Unless, of course, the Hostess specifically asks you to bring a dish, i.e., for a Pot-Luck.)
While sometimes people bring Wine (and a Nice Bottle of Wine, if you know Your Hostess enjoys Wine, is a fine Hostess Gift), this Wine need not be served at the Party. If the Hostess really wants to serve it, she may, but it's Our Practice always to thank the giver profusely and put the Wine away for Another Time. Why? Well, what happens if Several Guests ALL bring Wine? It would be Very Awkward indeed to choose between them... whoever's Wine isn't served first will probably worry that the bottle they selected wasn't Good Enough, etc. And what if the Wine Someone Brought doesn't go with the Meal You're Serving? So it's always Safer to put it away for later. (Say something like, "Oh, this is lovely! Thank you! I've already decanted a Burgundy to go with Dinner, but I can't wait to try this!")
Guests who do Go Ahead and Bring Food, especially when they've been told it isn't necessary, are actually Being Rude (even if they have the Best Intentions). If someone invites you to Her Home for Dinner, she's going to have already Planned the Entire Meal, from Hors d'Oeuvres to Dessert. If she's just spend several hours Slaving Away over the Meal, it's terribly, terribly presumptuous of you to show up with Some Random Dish, expecting the Hostess to Serve It! Even if Your Pecan Pie always draws Raves, you should Leave It Home, Dear Reader, unless it's a Pot-Luck. Maybe the Dessert the Hostess has planned won't be quite as good as Your Pie, but you'll just have to Suffer in Silence.
What this Boils Down To is really a question of what the "Can I bring anything?" / "No, thank you," conversation really means. Since a Gift for Your Hostess is obligatory, you really can't ask if you should bring that—you simply need to Bring It, Period. Therefore, we don't think you Need to Ask at all—just Bring a Small Gift. (We mentioned Wine above, but there are tons of More Creative Options—pretty Vintage Cocktail Napkins, a book you think Your Hostess would enjoy, etc.) When we are asked, "Can I bring anything?" we interpret this to mean, "Is there anything you need for the party, along the lines of Dessert?" Some Hostesses probably will just say, "No, thank you," but we think it's best to Be Clear (especially if you've invited one of those Pecan Pie-Pusher People) and respond with something like, "No, thank you for asking, but I've just finished planning the meal and I've got everything Under Control." To sum it up, Dear Reader: Don't Ask; just bring a Hostess Gift that is Not Intended to be Part of the Meal. If you do ask and are told no, then you should ESPECIALLY not Bring Any Food—just a Hostess Gift, as always.
Sincerely yours,

The Etiquette Grrls